Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
