My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And then my night got REAL pukey
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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