I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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