I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I want her autograph on my taint
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
