Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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