Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
