This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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