This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
