I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
