I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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