Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My bed smells like the plague
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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