My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so let's talk penis.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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