Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
