Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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