Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
