then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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