***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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