Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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