dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
