I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
