my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
birth control should be required to get into college
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
