Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
