i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
