can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
