The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
