Cold hands, warm shart.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
