I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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