Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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