She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
