I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
