Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
