My liver just broke up with me...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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