Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
