Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
