she was so not down for the gang bang
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
