My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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