I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
