I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
