I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
