Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
