if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
