i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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