so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
