Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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