Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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