Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
