I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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