I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
