we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
