My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
