no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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