I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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